T minus 1 day to my camino.
I was prepared to do a complete solo of the camino. Not like it was a “maybe”, but a “definite”. I did not go looking for company though company found me. Some might say I am no longer doing it solo. I would disagree. At the end of the day, what is “solo” but the absence of dependence. “But for x, I would not be doing it.” Put another way, if x did not come, would I be doing it? The answer would be a resounding yes. And so therefore, I am doing it solo.
With 1 day to leaving, I am in a good empty headspace – as empty as can be. I want a blank canvas from which to create the next 7 years. This is the rhythm my life seems to have – a 7-ish year cycle. Strangely, I have let go of the expectations of what the experience is going to be like. In the beginning, I needed to know exactly because I needed to know if it was worth it. Then I found out everything I could – on forums, on websites, in books, on film. Then I kept hanging on to expectations. Eg. You hope to feel a sense of space (because you feel claustrophobic), you need to meet people of goodness (because you’ve encountered nasty people), you want clarity (because it feels so confusing, etc. You get the drift. What I’m thinking is because there is a want, there is an expectation. The trick is: how do you get to your want without even wanting your want, and therefore no expectation? Wow, it’s like there is this space that sits within a tiny sliver of space along a spectrum. At least that’s how my mind visualises it in order to give me a structure to discover whether it does indeed exist.
Have I told you before that I am in my head a lot?
I realised this morning that I’m letting it all go – or trying to. The past, the future, the wants, the expectation. I may want clarity, but I have accepted that clarity may not come during my camino. Or it may. And if it does, it is the result of many weeks more of processing in addition to the camino. It won’t just be because of the camino. And clarity may never come – maybe that’s the message.
What I do know is that I have created is a structure for nothing, bounded by the months of April and June. No-thing within the next 6 weeks. That means everything and anything is on the table. An experience for experience’s sake. And so, I should relax. I have worried, I have fretted, I have thought, I have planned.
This is the gift of time to myself. It is the first gift of this nature I have ever given myself. Don’t have to do anything. Don’t have to be anywhere. Emptying my mind – becoming nothing – to experience no-thing, that is quite hard. Time to get masterful at this.